jen and tonic

Four years ago I didn't think having kids would ever fit into my lifestyle. It certainly didn't then. I had other things to think about. I was too scatterbrained, too selfish, too attached to the very good possibility that I would never physically be able to anyway, something I had been told after a surgery when I was 19 years old. Funny how you train yourself to accept the things you have to. Funny, too, how opinions change with time and age, regardless. Today I am still scatterbrained and selfish, but my doctor gave my husband and I the hope we never thought we'd ever care to have, and that hope soon turned into a want. So here I am, close to age 34, with not a lot of time left, realistically, to become a mom and start a family. But now we want it more than anything, so we are taking the steps to make it happen; steps that, for me, include fertilty pills and ridiculous processes. I just really hope it works.

I was always the girl who didn't want to hold the "baby." The baby would be offered up and passed around to women who turned into fascinating creatures, free of inhibitions, who suddenly spoke in a different language. And there I was, my biggest pet peeve in the world being that some new moms forgot what it was like to be in a different place than them, mentally. These are the moms who assume that everyone wants to hold their baby, becoming insulted when you decline their offer, as if you should want nothing more than for them to ask if you'd like to hold the baby. That was me. Maybe I didn't want to get that close to a feeling or experience I had talked myself into believing I'd never have. I just wasn't feeling it. But how will I feel about my own baby?

When I think about finding out that I am pregnant, and knowing that Mark and I will bring a person into this world who is a product of us, that we will be able to have a family of our own...I imagine loving someone more than I ever thought I could, losing my inhibitions when I look at him or her and speaking in another language. I imagine loving a little girl so much that I find it humorous how much she will one day hate me, and perhaps tell me so, all because of my love for her. I imagine loving a little boy so much that my every happiness is in knowing I'll be his greatest female influence when it comes to loving and respecting women. Suddenly I imagine the future holidays, experiences and traditions we will all share and start together. I hope I someday soon get to do more than just imagine what those things will feel like.

1.   If you somehow made it to the other side of the river and up on top that big rock--all by yourself, you can figure out how to get back allby yourself too.

2.   If your stomach hurts, you probably have to make a "BM" (a.k.a. bowel movement--it took me years to figure out what that meant)

3.    With family, it is never too late, nor impossible, to make up for lost time.

4.    After going to the bathroom, be sure to wipe your "suzy."

5.    Ice cream tastes better after you've walked a couple blocks to get to it.

6.    Fifty years happily married is easy if you actually like each other.

7.   The best way to start the day is by getting up early and taking a walk to the end of the road, followed by a big breakfast.

8.   The best way to end the day is by playing a fun game, winning somemoney, eating cheese and crackers, staying up later than your mom wouldlike, and then getting tucked into your warm bed with a kiss.

9.    You'll catch more fish if you don't fall asleep at the reel.

10.   Some people are just assholes.

11.   If you wait for the best, you don't miss out on anything.

12.   The leg horse is the best ride in the world.

13.  The big hill you drive over really fast, so that your stomach flies up to your chest, is called a "weeee," named after the sound you make when you drive over it.

First of all, if you're not watching Californication on HBO, you probably should be. But whether you are or not is irrelevant at this moment...

On the most recent episode there was revealed a letter that Hank had written to Karen way back when. It might possibly be one of the best letters ever written--on TV or in real life. And upon my search to find that letter again, which is better listened to than read, I discovered that I am not alone in my thoughts...

If I were Karen, or any girl in a similar situation for that matter, this would have totally done it for me. But then again, I'm a sucker for brilliant words... So thank you, Hank Moody, and all the Hank Moodys out there, for having 5 zillion disappointing flaws, but knowing exactly what to do with the words...

If you have 2 minutes and 57 seconds, click the link and check it out.

hank's letter to karen

When I was a kid, if someone had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, there was a time when I would have said veterinarian--then later it was marine biologist--and then even later it was editor (be careful what you wish for!). But never did I ever wish to be famous, in any way. I have known many people to own this dream, but I never did relate.

However, sometimes when I'm driving in my car and listening to music, something happens to me. Suddenly I'll pretend I'm the star of a movie, one of those movies where the hot leading chick is running from something--or to it. And I'm in the infamous driving scene, the plot of which depends on whether I'm listening to a clichéd love song, or that perfect song for driving fast, desperately trying to get somewhere. The camera faces me, of course, catching my rearview-mirror looks to the past, and my sad smiles as I think about what I"m leaving behind. Or it catches the desperation in my face as I make sharp turns and fret with concern while I try to get to "him" before he gets on that plane!

And on a rare occasion, during a long, lonely drive, when that classic acoustic, live-version song surges from my ipod--one that I know all the words to and reminds me of someone, I'm on a stage in a small, smoky room, angelic voice flowing from my lips, wisdom and perfection rushing from my guitar, while someone I used to know sits in a dark corner and watches with regret.

Regardless of the day, the song, or the scene instantly conjured up in my mind from the first note or word...for that particular drive I am the star of the inside of my Mazda, acting out tense and edgy moments from cheesy chick flicks that I, perhaps, for whatever reason, once envied...while the world views me on an imaginary big screen and anticipates my obvious happy ending.